Never Fails...

That aunt flo is in town when I go visit the parents. Bad combination.

Codependency Defined

"Of course, as kids, we try and try to get the response we need from our parents...at least until we give up completely. But we remain always drawn to that same sort of familiar person...an emotionally unavailable person whom we can try to get love from, whom we can try to change. The need to re-play the childhood drama and TRY, TRY, TRY to achieve a different ending is so intense, that it determines even the type of person the co-dependent is drawn to! A person who is kind, stable, reliable and interested would not be attractive, typically, to the co-dependent person...they would appear "boring." Having received very little nurturing, the co-dependent tries to fill this unmet need vicariously, by becoming a care-giver, especially to any person who appears in some way needy."

More here.

Creative Shoebox Ideas

I am definitely going to do this beginning January 1.

Some Inspiration

Kelly and I were friends back in elementary school, before she moved back to Dayton, so about 20 years ago. I found her on Facebook a few weeks ago and some of the things she has done has really inspired me to do more.

She is currently leading a fundraiser Jammies for Junior, and has a goal of 250 new or gently used pajamas to be delivered to a few of the homeless shelters in her area. I am awestruck that earlier this year she collected 32,000 diapers and donated them to the Community Pregnancy Center! 32,000!

There is a link above for press about the event, and a link to her blog here to find out more about the cause.

"For It's in Giving that We Receive"

I've written in years past that I really, really, REALLY don't care much for the time between Thanksgiving and Christmas. I get stressed out having to travel to see both parent's sides of the family, and then throw my birthday in there, right smack dab in the middle, and the family thinks they HAVE to celebrate my birthday the week it falls. So I am generally making 3 (8-hour round) trips to Ohio within 5 weeks time. And the Sadester is a nervous nell in the car the whole way.

I digress.

I was thinking about how I always want to sign up to serve a meal at a homeless shelter, but I'm never here in Lexington for the holidays. Then I had a newsflash that there are homeless people out there besides Lexington.

A couple of weeks ago I e-mailed my wishlist to my Mom. On it were only 2 items, an iPhone and a digital camera.

I've had a change of heart, though. I am thinking instead of asking for the money to be given to a charitable cause, like Samaritan's Purse, and asking my family instead to accompany me to serve a meal to the homeless.

I've heard a story about a guy I believe from St. Louis who goes around passing out $100 bills to people on Christmas Day. I strive to be able to do that someday. To be able to bring perhaps a little glimmer of hope to someone who hasn't any.

My intent in this post is not to build myself up. My real intent is to illustrate to others what happens when you change your perspective. I'm actually excited about the holidays now!

Confessionals

We started a new series at church today called Clothesline Confessionals. A special website was set up for anyone to go to and anonymously air their "dirty laundry". At the end of the series, the site will be taken down.

Having read through many of the confessions, I realized how many others out there are just like me, or has the same problems as someone else I know.

I've decided to air some of my dirty laundry here.

When I was 13, I attempted suicide. I can still to this day feel the loneliness and emptiness that I felt inside. I had taken a whole bottle of tylenol and another bottle of pills that were prescribed to my mom. The only reason I believe I am still alive is because I vomited some time afterwards. I then had this ice-cold knot in my throat and felt like I couldn't breathe. My Mom and I were on the way to the hospital when I got scared that I would be committed to a mental institution, and told her I was fine and we could go back home.

Nothing was ever mentioned until they drug me into a therapy session and the therapist confronted me about the missing pills.

I denied the suicide attempt and told them I had thrown out the medicines because they were old and expired. He said had I indeed taken them and the amount there had been, I most likely wouldn't have survived.

I've never tried since then. But I have struggled with wanting and wishing the pain to end.

I now realize that suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem.

Bat-Shit Crazy

If this was an actual disorder, I should be diagnosed with it.

Crazy to a degree bordering on complete insanity. The state in which one makes decisions which make the exact opposite of sense.

After knowing good and well that Guitar Guy and I are not good for each other, I was actually on my way to Louisville tonight to stay with him at his hotel while he was at drill this weekend. I was closing the phone after talking with him and discussing whether the trip was really worth it or not, and at precisely the same time my check engine light came on. I heeded this sign, and turned around and came back home.

Some Things Aren't Meant to Be

And you know that you know that you know, that every day you continue blindly brings you closer to greater pain.

Random Fact #2879

I always, always turn the fan on in the bathroom. I hate for people to hear me pee.

Can cross that off my list of things to do...

Guitar Guy and I visited this small cemetery at a church close by last night. The daylight pic is one that Motorcycle Guy had taken back in May at the same spot.

It may be morbid, but I thought it would be pretty neat to say I have been in a cemetery on Halloween. I didn't experience anything strange or scary.

I did think the bottom pic was interesting when I uploaded it because of the white orbital that is close to the tombstone of the right.

We didn't stay long as Guitar Guy felt weird about being there, and not at ease. We ended up watching The Exorcism of Emily Rose. Am surprised I didn't have any nightmares, but scary movies really don't get to me much.

I think I have finally figured it all out...

I started this blog 3 2 years ago in search of something. I was searching for the secret to happiness and was left feeling empty when I realized it couldn't be found in a job, a man, a bottle, a pill, a new outfit, being thinner, or whatever product advertisers tell me I have to have in order to feel better about myself. Those things might make me temporarily happy, but it's not lasting.

I have been doing a lot of reading and listening over the last couple of months and have realized it's not all about me. If I get my focus off of myself and what I perceive my issues and problems to be, and instead re-direct that energy into being a blessing for someone else, perceptions change.

If I think I have got it rough with my issues, that's nothing compared to the 30,000 children who will die today because of poverty.

I refuse to do nothing.

There are no great things; only small things with great love. ~Mother Teresa

I'm Over It

I've been hanging out with Guitar Guy a little bit off and on lately. Even though I know it's not going anywhere. He's allergic to cats, and hasn't offered up taking any medicine.

He called me earlier about coming out and meeting up with him and his brother and friends tonight. While I was showering I asked God for a sign that I shouldn't go.

I got my sign.

Letting go is hard to do. At least for me it is.

I picked...

the wrong weekend/day to stop taking antidepressants.

I hope raging lunacy is not genetic.

I need to move back to Lexington very very soon.

Random

Am debating on creating a facebook friend category for the guys I've slept with. Just need to be 100% sure that I am the ONLY one who can see the category first.

Life Lesson #1479

Lawn mowers cannot outrun bees.

Hopefully Orajel is okay as a topical cream for the heel of my foot. If not, I used the Bikini zone cream I had too.

I ended up getting stung at least 3 times on my heel and once at the back of me knee.

I sent my parents an e-mail to say I am done with lawn mowing for the season, and to inform them I had been stung...Dad responds back "Didn't Mom or I tell you there was a nest in the ground where I had sprayed but that I didn't see anymore bees come out of it."

Ugh, no. I didn't get that memo. I hate, hate HATE bees and wasps in a jump-out-of-a-moving-car-kinda-way.

I hope that lil mf-er died after he they stung me.

More of what I've been doing the last 2 weeks

What I've been doing these last 2 weeks

So Excited!!!

I got the job!! They called me just a bit ago.

I was bored and poured myself a cocktail about 3, started singing some karaoke here at home and they called 10 minutes later!! Evidently I knew tonight would be a night of celebration!! (I can't use exclamation points enough!!!)

That's One Way

Guitar Guy called shortly after my last post and wasn't enjoying his company downtown. So I met up with him later and had a few beers. I just was not in the drinking mood last night (am I sick??).

I love to snuggle so we went back to his house for some snuggle time. And then I figured one sure way to let go of my co-dependency is to fart in front of him. True story.

Work in Progress

I wish I could snap my fingers and be fixed.

I had intended on going to a class at a church nearby, Celebrate Recovery. It is supposed to be a meeting for those battling/recovering with addictions including codependency. I was searching for a group that focused on depression and it was suggested that I try this group out.

Several texts from Guitar Guy and possibly meeting up with him deterred me from going. Now he is going out downtown, which I do NOT do, so I am here at home playing bejeweled and eating all the food I got at the grocery today.

I'm reading a book right now, A Man Worth Waiting For. It is clearly slapping me in the face that Guitar Guy is not a MWWF. He's a crutch for me at the moment though.

I should have gone to that meeting.